


forbidden secret

by orphan_account



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Blow Jobs, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Sexuality Crisis, Smut, Unrequited Love, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 18:47:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7065838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>jonghyun is willing to be kibum's secret, even if it's only for a moment. </p><p>[in which jonghyun discovers he is gay and falls into a world of heartbreak]</p>
            </blockquote>





	forbidden secret

**Author's Note:**

> pls dont hurt me tbis is the first (shitty) fic ive written as a shawol and idk what im doing 
> 
> sorry for lapslock and no beta reader lol rip
> 
> 160602 EDIT: UPON REREADING THIS IVE COME TO THE REALIZATION THAT THE BEGINNING IS SO AWFUL AND CHEESY but i personally think the ending is quite good so it would be great if you stuck around til then

"don't you think it's kind of... hot?" jonghyun says with an edge of tentativeness to his voice.

jinki bristles, setting his chopsticks on the lip of the bowl with a clink. maybe he shouldn't have said that, because all he hears is, "jonghyun, what do you mean?"

jonghyun immediately regrets saying those words, desperately wants to reach out and shove them back into his throat where they came from but they are already too far away. "i mean," he thinks a moment, adjusting his words to cause the least amount of judgement, "being a homosexual isn't really that bad, is it?" 

"you know we can't date during high school- our study regime won't allow it- and on top of that," jinki says, picking up his chopsticks again, "god says it's wrong." 

"i thought god loves everyone." jonghyun says, having read the bible at least once in his life. "and i never said anything about dating, hyung. i just said it's-"

"hot?" jinki finishes, and his voice is filled with motherly worry. jonghyun hates and loves him for it all at once; hates the worry in his eyes yet loves the friendly concern. "it's only curiosity, jonghyun. it will pass, i promise." and he looks so sincere that it makes jonghyun's heart ache. 

"hyung, i'm not saying _i'm_ a... one of them." he cant bring himself to say the word. there is too much shame attatched to it. "but i'm just saying i think maybe i know why some people like it."

jinki swallows a mouthful of pork and looks around before saying, "you're playing a dangerous game. remember what happened to that one kid?" 

"he had a name." kibum interjects, having been silent throughout the ordeal until now. jonghyun almost forgot he was there. "and his name was taemin." 

"right, taemin." jinki says, but the name is dismissive on his lips like he isn't worth the time of day. "he offed himself. remember? even the counselor saw it coming and did nothing to stop it. god would have stopped him- taemin- from killing himself if he wasn't a homosexual. right? but god didnt stop him because it was necessary." 

"do you think that it's really worthy of death?" jonghyun says, amd he is afraid of the answer.

"if god thinks so, then yes." jinki's voice is unwavering, resolute, and jonghyun cannot eat his lunch. he isn't hungry anymore.

jonghyun goes home and prays about it, but he never recieves an answer.

the next day at school, jonghyun doesn't want to sit by jinki. instead, he sits next to a guy named minho who is the subject of school rumors, hearing hushed whispers of _that lee minho kid brings shame to his family; a faggot with a preist for a father- how sinful._

after that, jonghyun hears whispers in the hall with his name attatched to it and jinki doesn't want to sit next to him anymore either. 

…☆…

jonghyun doesnt know how it happened, but it happened. maybe it started a few years ago when he first bowed and said hello to kim kibum. or maybe it happened a week ago, when kibum knocked on his door with a look on his face that jonghyun suddenly couldn't resist. 

he likes kissing kibum. he likes it a lot.

he likes it more than the times he's kissed taeyeon and victoria and amber. he liked amber the best at the time, always thought tomboys were more appealing with their rough ane masculine demeanor, rather than the sleek femininity and curvy body.

now he thinks it's not even tomboys that he likes. it's just boys. 

kibum is a boy, and jonghyun likes kibum. 

he likes the way kibum smiles when jonghyun says something funny and the way kibum whines the loudest when jonghyun swallows him down. most importantly he likes the feeling of his heart beating faster when kibum is around. it is envigorating and he can't seem to get enough. 

there's just something about the wrongness of it all that seems to cancel itself out, a forbidden pleasure that corrects itself. but pretty soon, jonghyun stops thinking of it as wrong because it feels more right than anything he has ever done. 

...☆...

jonghyun wants to come out. it's his senior year of high school and he knows people will be more accepting once he gets into college. it will be easy, he thinks. it will be easy. 

jonghyun comes out, the word spreads, and jonghyun eats alone after that. 

it is not easy. 

jonghyun wants to talk to kibum, wants to ask him what he should do, but kibum begins avoiding his imploring eyes in the hallways and walks the other way when jonghyun is in sight. 

it stings, just a little, but jonghyun thinks he understand. 

his football coach is kind. he says he understands, that jonghyun is brave, but for the sake of the rest of their team feeling comfortable, jonghyun must leave. and so he does. 

his mother cradles his head and whispers something kind in his hair, but jonghyun doesnt hear it over the sound of his father's frantic yelling.

...☆...

the first time hurts. kibum is big and hard and jonghyun feels tight and small around him. he doesn't know how their bodies should fit together. 

well, it ends up working out. jonghyun is thrashing against the bed and his back arches in deep pleasure, sweaty hands grasping thr sheets. it's a beautiful picture, an incredible display of affection and passion between the two. but when kibum fucks him, he doesnt look jonghyun in the eyes at all. not even once. 

jonghyun was right, all those months ago. it is kind of hot. really hot, actually. and jonghyun loves the feeling of a heavy dick in his mouth, or the sensation of his ass being spread amd filled. he loves it more than anything in the world, maybe. the wrongness of it feels so euphoric. jonghyun thinks that sucking dick is better than going to heaven, and he thinks jinki is really missing out. 

minho is no where to be found after high school. jonghyun wonders if he killed himself too, and then he has the brief amd terrifying thought that he himself is next in line. but he shakes it away because he likes his life too much. 

he likes it even though jinki isn't in it, even though he never got to meet lee taemin, even though his father doesnt love him anymore. he's okay because he has kibum to hold onto firmly.

jonghyun doesnt even realize that his grasp on kibum is slipping. it's only a sudden realization whem kibum stops coming over and stops answering his phone and jonghyun wonders if kibum has stopped loving him too. he thinks if that were true, jonghyun would stop breathing. 

his whole world revolves around kibum- about what makes kibum smile the most, about what kibum's favorite resturant is, about what sounds kibum makes when he comes. everything jonghyun does is for kibum. 

...☆...

kibum says goodbye a week after spring break in college.

it's when jonghyun suggests that they should come out as a couple, but kibum hides away his eyes and wrings his hands together and jonghyun realizes that kibum doesn't want to be seen with him. he suddenly remembers all the excuses kibum has made instead of going out; i'm sick, i have work, i'm testing, i'm sleeping, i'm busy. jonghyun sees it all too late. 

kibum doesnt apologize, not really. instead, he makes more excuses- i'm not gay, i was just curious. i was wrong, what we have is wrong. i'm not gay. 

si jonghyun is nineteen when he has his first heart break. he mourns the loss of his first real relationship, and he never finds anyone like kibum. 

but he comes close enough. minho pops out of the woodwork one day and it turns out that minho is kind of like kibum. they both enjoy watching japanese dramas and they both like western food and minho likes to top, just like kibum always did. 

except when they fuck, minho prepares jonghyun well and makes sure to go slow and steady and kisses him to ease the pain. jonghyun likes that, but it's so new because kibum was always merciless and erratic. 

jonghyun doesnt pretend that the sweaty body above him is kibum. he doesnt. 

(he does)

...☆...

minho never denies that he loves jonghyun, never hides that he is proud to be with such an incredible man. kibum was never like that. kibim would often slink around the words of, 'we are roomates, we are good friends', to the inquisitive friends and jonghyun went along with it because their country is indeed conservative and stays true to its traditional values. 

at least, thats what jonghyun tells himself kibum's reasons were. 

jonghyun likes that minho holds his hand in public, kisses him on the subway, makes him try on a dress at the thrift store. he likes minho's boyish eye smile and velvet laughter, but he'll always like kibum's more.

...☆...

jonghyun is twenty when he sees kibum again. kibum, who is beautiful and tall and other-worldly. kibum, who is groping an equally beautiful girl at the club that plays music too loud. 

jonghyun tells himself he doesn't care because he has minho, minho who is better. he pretends not to know what kibum's lips taste like and he hides his desire by kissing minho in the very same club. 

it was just an accident that they were both there at once, an ironic and cruel coincidence. but jonghyun doesnt care. he closes his eyes and lets the music guide his body against minho's, little mewls into each others mouths that turn to moans and filthy grinding. jonghyun makes things between them heated, as to show to everybody (kibum), ' _look what you are missing out on_. he lets minho tug his hair and seperate their lips before minho asks urgently, "i dont know what's gotten into you, but i like it."

what's gotten into jonghyun is the bitter pang of jealousy, but he doesn't say that. instead he leads minho to the club's sweaty dancefloor. in a rush of audacity, he takes them right next to kibum and his pretty girl friend, but minho only has eyes for jonghyun because he never notices kibum, an old classmate back in high school several feet away from them. 

they kiss and kiss and kiss and it is lovely. they kiss until they are breathless and panting, nearly sobbing with desire amd passion running through them. but everytime minho closes his eyes, jonghyun sneaks a peek to kibum's direction. 

they never meet eyes until minho moans, kibum looking over to see what couple is having too much fun on the dancefloor. and for a moment, jonghyun forgets about minho entirely. he just sees kibums dark dark _dark_ eyes, sleek and beautiful with makeup and contacts, even though they are just as breathtaking without it. jonghyun thinks kibum looks like the music stars on tv that his little sister always talks about. 

kibum keeps his hands steady on his girl, but his pupils dilate and darken at seeing jonghyun in such a state- sweaty and panting amd writhing in pleasure under another man. he wonders if kibum missed him at all. 

Jonghyun keeps his eyes locked on kibum, grinding into minho at the same time. kibum grinds into his girl too, grabbing her ass and her nice breasts that jonghyun has no interest in, as if nonverbally saying, 'here's my toy- i know you wish you were her.'

kibum bites her ear and licks her neck, and jonghyun rubs his hand against the erection of minho's pants. kibum and jongjyun are teasing eachother, trying to outdo each other amd they know it. they are both stupid because they are torturing themselves while they're at it, but it has always been the two of them, hasn't it? Kibum and jonghyun, no one else. after jinki, it was just them. so it's not wrong for him to still want kibum, is it?

jonghyun is kissing minho deeply, showin kibum what hes missing out on when minho whispers, "you're so sexy, jonghyun, i cant wait until we get home so i can fuck you." but jonghyun only thinks about getting fucked by kibum, and he grinds harder into minho because of it. 

...☆...

jonghyun comes to the club by himself after that. he tells miho that he has to stay late at work, and minho smiles and kisses him and trusts him and says _i love you._ jonghyun leaves, returning all the sentiments outwardly, but not inwardly. 

jonghyun goes to the club with the too loud music. the bathroom door is closed but the vibrations from the bass remain heavy under his feet. 

he's choking on kibums dick again, and it reminds him of high school. the way kibum never wanted to bottom and never sucked dick. maybe he is right, maybe kibim isn't gay after all. maybe he just likes the feeling of doing something forbidden. 

jonghyun likes it too. he likes knowing that he's gagging and swallowing and gasping for air on his ex high school sweethearts cock while his loving boyfriend waits obliviously at home. it's so wrong, and maybe jonghyun has always liked the wrongness of it, the feeling of being with another man when everyone says he shouldn't. 

he loves the way kibum's fingers pull jonghyun's hair deeper onto his dick, making him suck harder and choke more. he loves kibum's creamy white hips and the way they thrust into his mouth no mercy, stuttering to a stop when kibum releases without warning and jonghyun chokes as he swallows it all down. he loves the way his lips feel raw, the way his throat burns, the way his eyelids feel heavy, the drugged sensation flowing through his sweaty body. he loves it so much that he comes without being touched and cries with how much he loves it. 

kibum doesn't ask if hes alright, and instead washes his hands in the sink even though they aren't dirty before saying, "meet me here tomorrow." 

all kinds of lovely images run rampid through jonghuns mind. images of being on his knees again, of kibum spanking him or fucking him so hard that jonghyun can't stand up straight, of being choked just enough to come harder than he ever has before and coming home to kiss minho goodnight with the thought of kibum heavy on his mind. it's always been about kibum, hasnt it? 

and one day, the secret will spill because jonghyun knows he can't walk on eggshells forever. he knows minho will find out and cry those heavy puppy tears that he always cries when the princess in the movie doesn't get her happy ending. and it hurts jonghyun, just a little, to know that he will the cause of it. but in the end, he only really cares about kibum. 

a selfish desire that leads to kibum. passionate nights that lead to kibum. dirty thoughts that lead to kibum. 

jonghyun is willing to be kibum's forbidden secret, even if it's only for moment.

**Author's Note:**

> /good fucking lOrd almighty i wrote this in two hours on my last day of school. i was procrastinating my math so hard and i wasnt getting anything done so my excess productivity spewed over- hence this dirty fic was born. i fixed up the grammer in the back seat of a moving truck being carsick af so im positive there are mistakes. point them out amd ill fix them.


End file.
